By DM Gillis photographer/writer "popeye logic" on Flickr
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
It’s time to consider a new look, Aries. And now that tattooing is so passé, recreational amputation is the in thing. Give it some thought, though. Because just like a tattoo, a severed appendage is forever. Fortunately the recreational amputation trend has expanded to included noses, ears and bits I can’t mention here. Cutting off your nose isn’t really spiting your face; it’s showing the world that you’re ahead of your time. Hint: always carry a tissue.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
I have two words for you, Taurus: razorblades and applesauce. If your head isn’t too far up your keester, you’ll know what I’m talking about. This is good, because I don’t. October for Taurus is going to be all Icelandic volcanoes and UFO abductions. Public safety concerns are for chumps. The stars are right for armed robbery, but don’t forget to register your gun.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Face it, Gemini. Anything is likely to happen. You don’t really believe in this crap anyway, do you?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A change would be nice, maybe a lover or a new chainsaw and clown mask. The stars say walk away from your current life and loved ones. They’re all getting kind of annoying, anyway. Someone you know is planning a kidnapping, and will ask you to help. Go for it, but don’t get stuck doing the driving. Insist on handling the cash, and making those ransom notes from letters cut out of magazines. Elle Magazine is good for this, and has the fashion articles Cancer loves.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leo, Leo, Leo. Phew, oh man, jeez, man, whoa, phew.
Virgo (Aug 23 – September 22)
Remember those bodies under the house? Now’s the time to get a shovel and rid yourself of the burden. Hesitation and delay are for sleazy, unreliable Capricorn, not for mighty Virgo. A prominent person seeks consultation. Say very little, stay off topic and invoice early. There are mice in your sock drawer.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Look in the mirror, Libra. You’re a wreck! It’s that wicked combination of passive aggressive behaviour and obsessive compulsive disorder. Some of those around you are self-indulgent, overbearing morons. You want to tie them to a chair and stick pins into them, force them to eat BBQ briquettes. You want to put a collar and leash on them and make them walk around on all fours like naughty little doggies. Buy a leather corset. Be proud.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
There’s a lover in your future, Scorpio. Unfortunately, he or she will leave you when you are at your lowest and most vulnerable. This person will drain your bank accounts, leaving you homeless and destitute. He or she will cheat on you with your best friends, and then drive your new car to Mexico where it will be sold to a Tijuana pimp who will use it in a political assassination. Then this person will fill the internet with hateful, hurtful lies about you. After all of this, he or she will return to you and ask to come back. Though you’re a little suspicious, you open your heart and home. A’int love grand? Can I borrow $100?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You know how it is when a cop sits down in a doughnut shop and ties into an apple fritter and then gets a bit of glaze up his nose and you sit there wondering how somebody can actually get glaze from the surface of an apple fritter that’s nowhere in the vicinity of his nose up his nose and it sits there on a couple nose hairs looking like an albino booger and you just want to take a fire hose and wash the dumb bastard off? Uh, where was I?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
How are you feeling, Capricorn? It might be a good time for you to finalize your earthly affairs. Not that the stars have anything to say about your health. It’s just that you never know. Hijackings, abductions, drive by shootings and alien invasions happen all the time. And you know how Capricorn has the very worst luck. In fact, October looks like a highly dangerous time for Capricorn. Avoid gasoline, orlon sweaters and those little envelopes of pepper you get from fast food joints. Seriously.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Everyone hates a bore, Aquarius. Your ever present pathological narcissism has people talking about you behind your back, even more than usual. Take some Quaaludes and relax. Remember that guy, a couple of years ago, who lit himself on fire and did that gruesome jerky death dance all over the street in New York? He had written a suicide note but didn’t want to misplace it, so he kept in his pocket. Well it burned up, of course. Anyway, what was I saying?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Respect is an important thing, Pisces. Without it a person is nothing – less than nothing. Do people respect you, Pisces? Do they? Or do they laugh at you behind your back? Do they call you sick little nicknames that they make up in the shower? Do they contact your ex-lovers and ask them questions about your intimate failings? Like that squeaking noise your nose hair makes just before you reach orgasm? Okay, so I called a couple people
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